Love, the lasting experience of life, the essence of relationships and ultimately the only thing we can really give to one another. For most of us in our adult years, love is often recognised as a response to what the other person will do for you. From our childhood memories we form the romantic ideal that we think we know the meaning of love. We hope we will meet that someone special that will sweep us off our feet and make us feel whole and wonderful and we will live happily ever after. We have a vision of unconditional love until we are woken up to the reality of a broken heart or a not-so-romantic life we once thought. We unknowingly place conditions and expectations on family and friends if they want our love.

We have been taught conditional love. The toughest conditions are on those we love the most. As children growing up, we give unconditionally. Then we learn that there are conditions on love as we are rewarded for being good or being the ideal role model. And so sometimes we withdraw our love to see if the other person will respond by giving us what we want. Our fear in giving unconditionally is that the love may not be returned to us, so we forget that the feeling we seek lies in the giving, not in the receiving. We forget that when we feel unloved, it is because we are withholding our love from another, rather than that person not giving us love. We forget that the giving of love is not a measurement.

When you argue with a love one because of something they did or did not do, sometimes you withdraw your feelings of affection towards that person. Sometimes you feel you need to withhold your love until they shape up and so it becomes a weight on your relationship. Sometimes you close your heart to the other person so they do not know what is going on and so they just do not understand. You feel the reasons why you should not communicate is because they should know why you feel this way. You feel that the reasons why you behave this way is to protect yourself but in truth, your reluctance to communicate imprisons you.

Fortunately unconditional love is never lost. It is a decision on how you are going to be with another person because of who they are. It is in the form of who you are, rather than what they do or not do for others. We often confuse love with need. We think that love is a godly response in having our needs met and it is not. True love is not a response. True love is not a reaction to what someone does or does not do for us. Take a closer look at your beliefs. True love is a decision you make. You cannot earn what you already have inside of you and yes we are all born with unconditional love. You just need to remember that.

Instead of searching for someone to love, be someone who could be loved and send out what you wish to receive. Be that someone you wish to experience. When you meet and fall in love, you want to see in the other person the qualities you also value. You want your partner to experience what you would like to experience. If you search for someone to fulfil your needs, that person will eventually find the burden too great. You may end up living in quiet desperation, a possessive relationship, or if you’re lucky your partner will run away.

Be the person for which others are searching for and what you are looking for will find you. The greatest secret to love is that we are all looking for the same thing. The purpose of love in relationships is what you can put into it, not what you can get out of it. You can only receive love in the way you give yours. So how do you allow your love ones to experience the love you give them. True love is loving people exactly as they are whether they give you what you think you need, or not. Sometimes the things we are searching for are the very things we just cannot see inside of ourselves.

“Don’t ignore the love you do have in your life by focusing on the love you don’t.”

— Mandy Hale

“Those that go searching for love, only manifest their own loveless ness. And the loveless never find love, only the loving find love. And they never have to seek for it.”

— D. J. Lawrence